The Club Can't Handle Baljeet/Jeremy's Soul Sister
These are two episodes of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "Club Can't Handle Me" and "Hey Soul Sister". Carl thinks Baljeet isn't special, and he despises Jeremy and the Incidentials. Memorable Quotes in "The Club Can't Handle Baljeet" Carl: (sigh) ......Do I have to? Major Monogram: Carl, we hired you for a reason. Carl: Yeah, but I was having so much fun reviewing movies and video games.... MM: Well, we have other people for that! Now go on and review music! Carl: (sighs) ....But it's hard! MM: Carl, you will do what you're told, or there will be consequences. Carl: Huh? Like what? MM: (presses a button on a radio) Suzy: Pop it, lock it, polka dot it... Carl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll do it, I'll do it.... MM: Yes, that's it, back in your box. Now smile for the camera and do your job.....(laughs evilly) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, good times, good times..... Carl: (sigh) Fine. Carl: I want you to take a look at this. (a picture of Baljeet pops up with a caption that says "ROOTS") This is Baljeet's latest album. It is entitled ROOTS. ROOTS is an acronym. It stands for "Route Of Overcoming The Struggle". If that is not INSTANTLY funny to you, let me show you videos of Baljeet's career to date. Baljeet and Coltrane: Oh hot (bleep), this is my jam, keep me partying till the a.m... Phineas: Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur... Baljeet: Popping these bottles, touching these models... (switches songs) You spin my head right round, right round... Phineas and Baljeet: Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low... Carl: Yeah, you get the idea, right? I don't know what struggle he's trying to overcome, but it wasn't the one back when India wasn't an independent country. Carl: Most rappers can't stop saying their names or where they're from.... Buford: I'm from Miami.... Albert: I'm from the Empire State... Carl: But Baljeet doesn't do that, or do anything that helps him establish a clear personality. He's just a generic store brand version of a rapper. If I had to guess, I think he's from India, partly because of his accent. Carl: I heard "Low" some four thousand times in 2008, and I did the numbers and that's not mathematically possible, but yet, I can't distinguish a single lyric that's not "apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur". Carl: So, this new Baljeet song, is it about girls and expensive alcohol? Baljeet: (rapping) I own the night and I don't need no help.... Carl: (sarcastically) What a surprise. I wonder how's he gonna rhyme "bottles" with "models". Baljeet: Bottles, models, standing on chairs... Carl: I'm pretty sick of every song in the top 40 being about the (bleep) club. I hate clubs. Drinks are too expensive, music is bad. Doesn't anyone know how to throw a decent house party for once!? Carl: I love the intro music here. (the intro music of the song starts playing) Carl: (singing) I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see--(stops singing)oh wait, am I doing this wrong? Carl: And the chorus is great, especially with the female voice. Unknown female: (sings the female part in the song) Carl: (singing) You know that I can use somebody! Carl: So, if I have all these nice compliments about this song, what's the problem with it? Baljeet: (rapping) I see you Jeremy, let's go! Carl: Oh, we have to listen to Baljeet to get to the chorus. Like I said, this isn't bad, but every time Baljeet launches into a verse, my enthusiasm just fizzles out. A woman's voice: The club can't even handle me right now... Carl: (waves his hands around and starts dancing. When it gets to the Baljeet part, he slowly puts his hands down and reads a newspaper). Carl: Since this /is/ a Baljeet song, I don't see any point of analyzing the lyrics, but it's worth a shot. Baljeet: I own the night and I don't need no help, gotta be feeling that Scarface player, stuntin go wild, can't handle this plan, life of the club, arrogant like yeah... Carl:.....INCREDIBLE! Not a single line from that came close to rhyming! Carl: Well, I guess it doesn't matter that the lines had to rhyme because every Baljeet song is basically gibberish until the chorus, anyway. NO ONE CARES! (starts saying gibberish) quihuihuishdushdushushushhletterburntsign. Baljeet: You got me watching now.... Carl: Boring, BORING! I'm pretty sure that these are the exact same lines from other Baljeet songs. Does this guy know how to do ANYTHING except celebrate? Baljeet: Celebrate cause that's all I know.... Carl: Not surprised. Carl: (referring to Baljeet) Are you feeling okay, Baljeet? Are you not feeling it tonight? Maybe you should take a break. You need one. You can catch some of those TiVo'ed episodes of Spongebob. EVERY SONG YOU'VE WRITTEN IS ABOUT THE CLUB! GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Baljeet: You know who shut 'em down.... Carl: Me. I shut it down. I cannot pretend to care about this horrible song any longer. Carl: Back in 2009, Stacy asked for her name not to be credited in "Right Round", and it certainly wasn't out of shame, based on the rest of her outcome. (shows clip of Stacy singing "Blah Blah Blah") Stacy didn't want her name to be on the song because, and this is a true story, she didn't want to be associated with Baljeet because it would ruin her career. Think about that. Stacy, back when she was a complete nobody, didn't want her name on one of the biggest songs of the year because she thought being associated with Baljeet would ruin her career. And for all I know she was right! Carl: Baljeet. Taking the "star" out of "popstar" since 2008. What were we talking about again? Baljeet: You know who shut 'em down.... Love Handel: I've been running around always looking down at all I see... (episode ends) Memorable Quotes in "Jeremy's Soul Sister" Carl: I was gonna let this one slide... Jeremy: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey-ey... Carl: You know, can't get to everything, a lot on my plate. When this was still around, Lady Suzy was still making videos, so I assumed that this would drop off the mat before I got to it. See, that's the good thing with bad pop music. It goes away, disappears into thin air, never to be seen again. Remember this? Phineas and Ferb: (rapping) This is why I'm hot, this is why I'm hot... Carl: This was one of the biggest hits in 2007. I haven't heard it in YEARS, and that suits me perfectly fine. Carl: Apparently, I hit a wormhole, because there is NO WAY I'm doing a Jeremy and the Incidentials song. (being sarcastic) Wow, it's so wonderful being back in 2008! Phineas and Ferb just started, Miley Cyrus has gone bad, Camp Rock is coming out, hey, I'm going to tell everyone about a movie that they've never heard of before! (walks over to Major Monogram) Hey, Major Monogram, there's going to be a movie about us in three years! Major Monogram: (unimpressed) And? Carl: Huh, I thought he wasn't going to believe me, or call me crazy. Carl: Jeremy and the Incidentials first started out in 2008, with a song called "Do Nothing Day", and it was okay, despite a few shaky lyrics, and a line such as this. Jeremy: (sings something about clouds being sheep and vice versa) Carl: Apparently, front man Jeremy Johnson is into really stupid girls who think clouds look like sheep. Anyway, they follow that up with "We Are Ugly", a song with no meaning. Then, they have a song called "Breath" which I think was made entirely for teenage girls to swoon over them. Candace and Stacy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Carl: And that was it. I hadn't heard anything from afterwards. But then, they came back with a single six billion times worse than anything I've ever heard from them. Carl: Maybe I'm just annoyed with the overplay. Maybe I'll give this a chance. (rubs his head) Okay, let's do this. Jeremy: Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains... Carl: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Okay, here is a lesson on how to completely destroy a lyric by adding a few unnecessary details. We got a simple concept, "I've got your kisses on my mind". Change that to "I've got your lipstick on my brain". Questionable, but not something you take literally. Now change that to "Lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains"!? When it gets that specific, you have no choice to take it as disgustingly literal. Actually, I did some research on what the left side of the brain does, and it controls the mind and word control. So if someone was rubbing their nasty mouth germs on that part of your brain, then, well, that explains the rest of these lyrics. Jeremy: Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know... Carl: (sarcastically) Yeah, do that dance, your attractive dance, to MR. MISTER!? (screen shows a music video for an eighties' song) Carl: (sarcastically) Yeah, I love the way your body moves to this no-tempo butt-ugly song. It takes me back to the days where I spent twenty three hours staring at the wall. Seriously, who dances to Mr. Mister? I would rather dance to "My Name Is Doof". Jeremy: I don't wanna miss a single thing you do.... Carl: (unimpressed).................Tonight. Jeremy: Tonight... Carl: OF COURSE! OF COURSE! HOW ELSE WAS THAT LINE SUPPOSED TO END!? Jeremy: Your sweet moonbeam... Carl: "Your sweet moonbeam". Everything about this song is hack-tastic! If I had a choice, I would eliminate the smuggling, insincere love songs played by (bleep) guys on guitars. (shoots a picture of Albert). Or in this case, songs played by Coltrane on ukelele. Carl: And also, what the (bleep) happened to Jeremy Johnson's voice!? I was never really a Jeremy and the Incidentials fan, but I didn't remember him having this high-pitched whiny voice. (in a British accent) Gentlemen, the operation was a complete success. We have taken Jeremy's vocal chords and replaced them with his sister's........Why did we do that? Jeremy: I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest... Carl: CHEST HAIR! Chest hair, everyone! When you are listening to this song, I hope you are thinking of Jeremy's gross, sweaty chest rug. That, or when given three syllables to fill, he'll come up with the worst thing imaginable. Carl: Now, onto the lightning round! Jeremy: The way you can cut a rug... Carl: Who the (bleep) says cut a rug, grandpa? Jeremy: Watching you is the only drug I need... Carl: That line's so old, it's got holes worn in it. Try something original. Jeremy: So gangsta, I'm so thug... Carl: I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU! When I meant "come up with something original", I didn't mean come up with something so offending that no one else would be stupider to write. Carl: (crying) Screw this song..... Jeremy: Tonight... Carl: Yes, tonight. (episode ends) Trivia *The creator liked the songs in this episode. *Stacy is more popular than Baljeet. *Jeremy's song was written to Candace. *Major Monogram is supposed to be playing a Nostalgia Critic-like person in the first half of the episode. *Carl hates Alexis Texas/Suzy Johnson. *Scubadave and TDR97's song was TERRIBLE. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Reviews Category:Baljeet Rai Category:Jeremy Johnson